Since my own Mom passed suddenly on Christmas Eve a few years back, I'll be celebrating Mother's Day without her in this world.
I should mention though, that I don't feel motherless at all.
My fantastic foster Mother continues to be a light in my life and two amazing Aunts guide me with their wisdom and influence my life with their generosity and compassion.
I feel deeply blessed.
Today, I'm sharing secrets about connecting with your Mom (and anyone important in your life, really) on a level that will break her heart wide open with love...and do the same for yours too.
Here is the inspiration for this post I gathered from Christine, a community member who asked the following:
"How do I shift my relationship with my mother when every time we speak, she has something negative to say? I end up NOT wanting to speak with her at all. We'll go for long periods of time not communicating, which ends up hurting other family members, especially our children."
To be completely honest, I know exactly where Christine's coming from. My own mother and I had a terribly strained relationship from the time I was 10 and were estranged completely for more than a decade before her sudden passing.
Sadly, we never did manage to mend our fences before it was too late.
We all have the 'Perfect Mom' idea.
Who doesn't wish for that tightly knit, stuck-together-like glue, always-has-your-back, rock-solid foundational relationship with Mom?
As adults, we want our Mom to be our best friend.
The thing is though, not everyone has that.
Many of us have a 'less than perfect' relationship with a parent or a sibling - our family ties can sometimes bind us up in a negative way.
The second thing is...we can't change anyone - whether it's our mother, a friend, or even our beloved life partner for that matter.
We can only choose to change ourselves and how we respond. We can change our perspective.
Shift Your Mindset
Wanting my mother to be different, to be 'perfect' and like someone else's mom, or a TV Mom, actually prevented me from connecting with her.
To have a better connection with my Mother meant releasing the idea of who I thought she should be and accepting her for who she was: my Mother, who loved me, in her own unique way.
Undoubtedly, all the anger, resentment, and frustration that I harboured served only to poison my heart, as well as our relationship.
We aren't able to move forward unless we can forgive.
You Don't Know Everything
We actually know only a fraction about someone else's journey through life, and it's no different when it's your mom.
There were many chapters in your Mother's book of life before the one that began with your birth. Her world was full of experiences, huge and tiny events that led to feelings, intricacies, and challenges she overcame that made her the person she is today.
Why not make it a goal this Mother's Day to learn something new about the person who brought you into this world?
Be Curious
Children have curiosity down cold.
Their insatiable appetite for information is astounding.
They want to touch, feel and see absolutely everything.
And they want it yesterday.
They're inquisitive and ask 'Why' tirelessly.
AND they absorb information like a sponge.
This Mother's Day, I challenge you to access your inner childlike curiosity and then turn on your innate ability to really listen.
Be present and give your Mom the gift of your undivided attention.
It doesn't cost a penny, just your time. You can do it over the phone or video chat too if the distance is a factor.
Besides...after everything she's been through to bring you into the world and raise you up (a tonne of tolerance and patience, I'm sure) she deserves that much from you, right?
Ask Questions
From this place of curiosity, ask your mom about situations or stories she could share that'll help you understand her more, and possibly help you release some of your own frustrations in the process.
Why not take the opportunity this Mother's Day weekend to ask her about those years before you came into her life?
Here are some questions to help get you started:
- What was the biggest challenge you've overcome?
- What was one of your most joyful experiences?
- What was it like when you were growing up with your parents?
- Tell me something funny about Aunt ___ or Uncle ___ from when you were kids.
- What did you love most about school?
- What do you absolutely love about yourself?
- What secret talent or hidden hobby do you wish you'd spent more time doing? Why not do more of that now?
- If you could snap your fingers and change something about the world as it is now, what would it be?
- If time, money, or health weren't an obstacle, where would you want to go? What would you want to do?
- Tell me a little about your love story with Dad. How'd you meet?
- Can you remember what you thought the first time you held me in your arms?
And when she answers these questions, you can dive a little deeper...channel that inner curious child and just keep asking 'Why's that?'
Listen WITH Your Heart
When you're together and your Mom is answering your questions, don't just listen with your ears.
- Turn off the cell phone
- Put away the tablet
- Turn off the game, the radio, the TV
Decide to really listen to your Mom's stories with your heart.
Of course, there are many sides to the same story. Your parents may have a completely different version of the same event since it's based on their unique experience of it.
Accept their version and look for ways to appreciate the gravity of their experiences.
After all, your mom has always only wanted the very best for you.
I hope you're inspired to have an unforgettable conversation with your own Mom this Mother's Day and encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to elevate your mother-child relationship to AWESOME on her special day.
I hope it's something you remember for the rest of your life as a special gift - the gift of time, shared together - connected, fulfilled, healed, and loved.
And if your Mom, or parents for that matter, have moved on from this world as mine have, you can still connect with their soul through the power of the written word or through meditation or prayer.
I have no doubt your message will be lovingly received.
Honourable Mention
To the significant Moms in my life:
My foster Mother, Irene, who along with her family, literally saved me from an abusive life of misery - THANK YOU to the Wilkinsons.
My mother-in-law, Annita, to whom I'm so grateful for welcoming me into her very large, traditional Italian family and treating me like one of her own daughters. It was heartbreaking to lose her to an unfortunate accident in her 89th year of life not long ago.
2 wonderful Aunts, Mary and Marie, who've made a significant difference in my life and continue to inspire me with their sage wisdom, infinite patience, and boundless compassion and generosity.
The treasured Mom friends who encourage and support me on this journey through motherhood.
Without your ongoing love and guidance, I wouldn't be the person or the Mother, I am today. Thank you for being a brilliant light in my life. Infinitely grateful.
A Gift For Mother's Day
If you'd like to uplevel your relationship with Mom to 'Awesome' and are unsure where to start, I'd love to chat.
Contact me via e-mail at andrea@coachforlife.ca to schedule a complimentary 'Create Your Masterpiece Life' Breakthrough Session.
By the end of our call, you'll have gained Clarity, a simple Action Plan, and even some helpful resources - all free.
About the Author:
Andrea Raco, is a Certified Success and Life Enrichment Coach, Founder of Coach for Life, and Curator of Gold Key Club ~ a private community for Ladypreneurs, Supermoms, and Sisters making a difference in the world with their unique gifts.
For more information about her services and programs, visit www.coachforlife.ca or contact her via e-mail: andrea@coachforlife.ca
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